With or Without You
by ThirteenWishes
Summary: It's incredible how three simple words can change your entire world.  I love you.  I hate you.  In the end, though, it doesn't matter, because I'm in over my head anyways, with or without you.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm coming home, I'm coming home_

_Tell the world I'm coming home_

_Let the rain wash away_

_All the pain of yesterday_

_I know my kingdom awaits_

_And they've forgiven my mistakes_

_I'm coming home, I'm coming home_

_Tell the world I'm coming home_

Clare Edwards stared out of the window, watching the world fly by, biting her lip to keep the tears she could feel burning behind her eyes from spilling over. She wasn't coming home; she was leaving her home for something that wasn't her fault, and she didn't know if she would ever be allowed back.

Throughout the entire drive so far from North Carolina to Canada, Clare's aunt Natalie had spoken exactly ten words; "I'm sure you'll like Toronto" and then, almost three hours later, "We love you, you know."

_No, _Clare thought, _you love me. They don't. Not anymore._

Her aunt had always been quiet, and Clare found the silence to be comforting. She wiped away the single tear that had managed to leak from her eye and glanced over at Natalie to make sure that she hadn't noticed. She'd never in her life called her Aunt Natalie; it was always just Natalie to her, and Clare remembered that, when she and Darcy were little kids, they used to crave her visits, always asking their parents, "When is Natalie coming back?"

Several minutes passed before Natalie spoke words eleven, twelve, and thirteen. "You okay, kiddo?"

"They hate me," Clare whispered, her voice choked with unshed tears.

There was another pause, and she looked as though she was thinking her niece's words over. "They don't hate you," she replied at last.

"Yes, they do. You weren't there, Natalie. You didn't see their _faces _when they… when they found out about me. My mom told me that she never wanted to see me again." She hesitated, and then repeated in a small voice that was almost a whimper, "They hate me."

Natalie shook her head, her eyes fixed on the road. "They love you. They're just… confused."

_Confused. _Clare was the only one who was allowed to be confused, allowed to be heartbroken. Her parents had kicked her out of the house and told her that she wasn't their daughter anymore; how could Natalie even _try _to defend them? Was throwing their kid out onto the street because of something she couldn't help an act of love?

_Love. _Love was what had gotten her into this mess in the first place. Maybe there was no such thing as love; maybe it was just a myth, like Santa Claus and the Loch Ness Monster.

_They hate me. They hate me. _The words repeated, over and over, in Clare's mind. Who knew that three simple words could do so much damage?

But it wasn't as if Clare could blame her parents for hating her, because at that moment, she hated herself.

000

Alli Bhandari took a deep breath and opened her FaceRange page, waiting impatiently for it to load. As soon as her profile picture popped up, her eyes hurriedly scanned the first post.

_You're a lying whore. Someone's got to put you in your place._

Her fingers flew over the keyboard as she typed out her reply, refusing to let the words hurt her. They were just letters that bitch Jessica, or _Jess_, had posted. No big deal. It wasn't like those words would define her, right? It wasn't like people would agree with Jess, even if she _was _the most popular girl in school.

"They're just words," Alli told herself firmly as she hit _ENTER_, crossing the fingers of her left hand tightly and closing her laptop with her right.

"Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you, huh?" Sav commented, sitting down beside his sister on the couch.

"Or… something?" Alli guessed, forcing a smile.

"I saw what those girls wrote on your FaceRange page, and-"

"And I can handle it," Alli interrupted.

"Alli, I'm just trying to look out for you."

"I'm fine, Sav. Really. I've got it all under control."

He sighed, and then gave her the tiniest of smiles. "Okay, but if you ever need help, with _anything_, you know you can talk to me, right?"

"Don't get all big-brotherly on me," Alli warned. "I can look after myself." Her voice softened, and she added, "But… thank you."

Sav smiled again and then stood up, walking away. Alli watched him leave, making sure he was gone before opening her laptop again and reading Jess's new comment.

_Really? Is BITCH really the best you can do?_

Someone else, one of Jess's clique most likely- someone named Hannah- had written underneath, _What can you expect from Boiler Room Bhandari?_

Boiler Room Bhandari. That nickname alone hurt more than Alli could ever let anyone know. She had made _one _mistake, and here she was, suffering the consequences. No matter what she did, to the students at Degrassi, she would always be Boiler Room Bhandari in their eyes.

Another comment popped up; it was Jenna, Alli's best friend.

_Don't you guys have something better to do?_

As half-assed as the rescue attempt was, Alli was grateful to Jenna for at least attempting to stand up for her. Jess was the queen bee of high school; basically, her word was law, and Alli was sick of it. Actually, everyone was sick of it, but no one had the guts to stand up to her.

Not even Alli.

Instead of fighting the power, Alli turned her computer off and buried her face in her hands.

000

Eli Goldsworthy snapped the lock on his door back into place and nearly fell down the stairs, catching himself at the last minute and blinking sleep from his eyes. Somehow, he'd managed to fall asleep in his room; he practically deserved a medal for such an accomplishment, but he didn't want to spend a second longer in there than he absolutely had to. The memories that he so desperately craved were overwhelming at the moment, and he needed to get away from it all.

He walked out of the house, past his hearse, and wandered aimlessly down the sidewalk, not knowing or caring where he was going. As long as he stayed the fuck away from the place where Julia had died, he would be okay.

Well, not _okay_, exactly, but he probably wouldn't have some mental breakdown and try to slit his wrist with a shard of broken glass again, because that had really sucked the first time he tried it.

Suicide wasn't all it was cracked up to be, especially when you were rushed to the hospital for the second time in a week for overdose. Of course, he hadn't been conscious at the time, but waking up in the hospital hadn't been the most pleasant of experiences.

Eli stopped suddenly, tilting his head back so he could see the sky. Today was the last day of summer vacation; tomorrow, he would attend Degrassi Community School for his junior year. Granted, Eli wasn't one of those wild party-all-fucking-night-long kind of people; he was more of the sleep-in-until-noon-and-do-absolutely-nothing type of guy, so summer only promised an escape from the circle of hell known as high school.

Soft, fluffy clouds dotted the endless blue sky, like wisps of curly, dyed white hair bunched together.

He was getting seriously weird in the head.

"I'm sorry, Julia," he whispered to himself, knowing that she couldn't hear him. She was buried six feet under; he'd watched them throw the clumps of dirt down on her shiny wooden coffin without shedding a tear. It seemed to be physically impossible for him to cry anymore; maybe he had no more tears left.

_I'm so sorry._

000

Bianca DeSousa stretched her arms above her head, blinking into the harsh morning light. Checking her watch, she realized that it was more of harsh _afternoon _light, if that made any sense at all. It was nearly five, and she was surprised that Isabel hadn't woken her.

Isabel wasn't exactly known for her romantic tendencies, but she should at least have the courtesy to kick Bianca's ass out of bed before her mother slipped into a panic-induced coma.

She slid her shirt on over her head, not bothering to find her bra as she zipped her jacket over it. The floorboards creaked as she left the room, searching around the tiny apartment for any sign of Isabel. Of course she wasn't there; Bianca had long since stopped expecting her to be. Isabel nearly _always _left after sex, returning only when she wanted more, and Bianca was happy to oblige her. She didn't love Isabel, but there was something between them that made her forgive the girl time after time after time.

They didn't talk about their personal lives or their issues. All that Bianca knew about her was that hadn't dated a guy since she was fifteen, when her abusive boyfriend had knocked her up and she'd given her baby up for adoption, and that she worked as a stripper to pay the bills. Bianca didn't even know Isabel's last name, and though she'd wanted to, she'd never visited her place of work. She would rather watch Isabel strip _without _all those desperate men eying her like she was… like she was something to _eat _or something.

Jealousy wasn't a welcome emotion to Bianca, and she shook it off as she locked the apartment door behind her and nearly ran down nine flights of stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. She emerged onto the street and fished around in her purse for her cell phone, dialing her mother's number.

"Bianca? Where are you? I was so worried!" The words came out in a gush, barely intelligible through the cell phone.

"I was at Isabel's," Bianca answered honestly. She had a good relationship with her mother; they always told each other the truth, no matter how painful or embarrassing. Since she was only fourteen years older than Bianca herself, her mother had always seemed more like her best friend than her legal guardian, not that Bianca would ever admit it to anyone. The only time when Alicia actually acted like a mother was, annoyingly enough, exactly when Bianca didn't want her to.

"It's almost five!" Alicia practically shrieked.

"I know, I fell asleep… I'll be home soon, okay?"

"Don't make me reinforce the curfew," Alicia threatened.

"I'll be home soon," Bianca repeated.

"Okay," Alicia sighed. "I love you."

Bianca kept the phone pressed to her ear even after her mother had hung up, an old habit of hers from back when one of her friends had been attacked on the way home. Even though it was broad daylight on a crowded sidewalk, Bianca knew that she was less likely to be targeted if she appeared to be in conversation with someone.

She wanted to turn around and go back to Isabel's apartment just as much as she wanted to walk away and leave her forever. She knew that she was just a fuck buddy, not even labeled as a _girlfriend_, but… maybe she _did _love Isabel.

How would she know?

000

"Is something wrong?"

Jenna avoided KC's eyes as she shook her head. "No, I'm just tired," she lied. What was she supposed to say? _I cheated on you two months ago and I just found out I'm about eight weeks pregnant?_ She had promised herself that she would come clean to her boyfriend, but, as always, she chickened out at the last second.

She hadn't told _anyone_, not even her best friend, Alli. She felt so damned guilty; not only was she fifteen and pregnant, but she didn't even know who the damned _father _was.

Of course, there were only two candidates, but she needed someone to be there for her through this. She'd already made up her mind to give the kid up for adoption; no matter what, she _couldn't _get an abortion, whether a fetus was a life or not. But at the same time, she couldn't keep her child. She was fifteen; she could barely handle high school alone. How was she supposed to get into _any _college with a _baby_?

"It's the last day of summer," KC observed, smiling, and Jenna felt like someone had stabbed her in the heart and was twisting the blade. She loved KC, and she couldn't tell him the truth. She couldn't hurt him like that.

She would have to tell him, soon, that she was pregnant, but she wouldn't tell him about her drunken one-night stand at that damned party.

_It's probably KC's anyways, _she consoled herself. _It was just one night._

"Well, let's make it count," she replied, forcing a smile.

_Thank God I'm a good actress._

000

**A/N: So this is kind of the prologue or something; I'm just setting the events up for the rest of the story. This story will include all or almost all of the current Degrassi characters; it's not just an Eclare story.**

**I'm not in the habit of doing this, but if I could get four or five reviews for this chapter, that would make my day! I hope you guys liked the first chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I didn't mention this in the last chapter, but the characters are going to be OOC. That's what makes the story interesting, right? I feel like I kind of need to clear some things up;**

**Jess's personality is completely made up by me; I'm just using her name and physical appearance. She's a junior in this story.**

**Alli is nicknamed Boiler Room Bhandari because of something that happened in her freshman year.**

**This story is rated M for reasons other than sex. I might just be overly cautious with the rating, because I don't really like writing lemons, but this is still going to be a pretty dark story. Just a warning.**

**And now… to the story!**

000

Adam Torres would never admit it to anyone, but the prospect of a new school year scared the shit out of him.

He was basically still the "new kid," since last year he'd only attended Degrassi for second semester, and he'd done his best to fly under the radar. If anyone paid too much attention to him, they might realize that he didn't look like other guys, that his voice was a little too high, that his chest wasn't entirely flat, despite the uncomfortable bindings hidden under his baggy shirts. They might notice that Adam wasn't like other guys; that he wasn't physically a guy at all.

The only person who knew Adam's transgender secret, besides his family, was Eli Goldsworthy. They had attended the same middle school, and Eli had known Adam as Gracie. He took it remarkably well, though, and had commented that Adam had always seemed more like a dude than a chick to him.

After Adam had decided that he was, well, ready to become Adam, he had begged his parents to let him swap schools. And when he'd realized that his old friend Eli was attending Degrassi after his girlfriend Julia's death… well, it seemed perfect.

But returning to Degrassi now was fucking _terrifying _him.

There were so many damned _people_, and he felt like they were all watching him, waiting for him to slip up, waiting for a clue that he wasn't exactly who he said he was, and then his secret would be out. Was this paranoia?

_Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get me,_ Adam thought grimly as he stared at the large building. Students were practically running through the doors, and he wondered how the hell they were _excited _to come back. Who would _want _to be trapped in a classroom or hallway for seven to eighthours, five days a week, until June?

He wanted to chicken out, to ask Eli to drive him back home and plead with his mother on his hands and knees to home school him. He'd fake an injury, a deadly illness, amnesia, _anything _to get him out of this.

_It's just high school, _Adam reminded himself. _How bad can it be?_

But he really didn't want to know the answer.

000

Clare bit her lip and tried her combination again, the slip of paper clenched in her hand. The first few hours of school hadn't been so bad, but now everyone else was at lunch in the cafeteria, and she was alone in the hallway trying to open her locker for the hundredth time.

She pulled down on the lock and muttered a few not-so-nice words under her breath when it refused to open _again_. What was with these stupid locks?

"Need some help?

Clare turned to see a petite, pretty Indian girl walking towards her. The girl had most likely just come out of the bathroom or something; her eyes were red-rimmed and a little puffy, like she'd been crying or something. Even so, her smile was bright and honest, and Clare found herself smiling unintentionally back.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I can't open my locker."

She handed the girl the piece of paper with the three numbers written in smudged ink, and she opened it on her first try. Clare's jaw nearly fell through the floor.

"How did you _do _that?"

"Practice makes perfect," the girl replied, shrugging. She offered her hand and smiled again. "I'm Alli."

Clare shook the girl's hand gratefully. "I'm Clare. I'm… new here. I moved from North Carolina." She glanced around the hallway and then added, "Um, thanks for helping me with my locker. Can you show me where the cafeteria is?"

000

Dave smacked KC's shoulder with the back of his hand to get his attention. "New girl," he said, nodding in her direction.

KC turned to see her and could keep the half grin off of his lips. "She's cute," he observed, and then added quickly, "Sort of," remembering that Jenna was at the table as well.

The girl was actually damned pretty, with short, curly hair, large blue eyes, and curves in all the right places; she was walking with Alli, who led her straight towards their table.

"Hi, guys," Alli chirped. "This is Clare, she's new."

Jenna gave Clare a sunny smile, despite KC's comments about her. "Hi, Clare. I'm Jenna, and these idiots are KC and Dave."

"Hi," Clare mumbled, her cheeks tinted pink. She sat down, a little awkwardly, between Jenna and Alli, and KC felt a little sorry for her. He knew what it felt like to be the new kid, the one who didn't belong. Clare seemed pretty nice, a little shy, and, well, she _was _cute.

KC shoved the thought out of his mind. He had Jenna; she was all he needed. The new girl was _just _the new girl, period.

000

Alli concentrated on balancing on the edge of the sidewalk, her arms stretched out to the side, as Clare walked a little behind her to avoid being hit by her flailing hands.

"So why'd you move up to good old Toronto?" Alli inquired, stumbling slightly and then catching her balance.

"Um, I… I made some mistakes," Clare mumbled, and Alli immediately regretted her question. If she had known that it was a touchy subject, she never would have asked. "My aunt lives up here, and my parents kind of… kicked me out."

Alli's eyes widened, and she was glad that her newfound friend couldn't see her face. Her parents had _kicked her out_? Sure, she knew that it happened to some people, but _Clare_? Over the few hours Alli had known the girl, she had proven to be kind nearly to the point of being naïve. Exactly what mistakes had she made?

"Oh, I'm sorry," she replied lamely, unsure of what she was supposed to say.

"Yeah, me too," Clare mumbled.

Jess and her friends Marisol and Chantay walked past, giggled, and whispered loudly to each other. Alli caught the words "Boiler Room Bhandari" and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, her hands clenching into fists and her fingernails digging into her palms as she heard the three girls walk away, their shoes tapping against the pavement.

"Alli? Are you okay?" Clare asked in a concerned voice, and Alli opened her eyes, taking a deep breath.

What would it take to erase that day from her memory? She would need brain surgery; doctors would have to cut into her skull to remove it. If they knew, if they just _knew _the truth behind it… but she couldn't tell anyone.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied. "They're just bitches."

"Don't let what people say get to you," Clare encouraged. "At my old school, people called me a nerd and a geek all the time, but I didn't let it bother me."

"People called _you _a _geek_?" Alli couldn't hold back a peal of laughter. "_You_?"

"I used to be pretty nerdy," Clare admitted, giggling. "It was a Catholic school, so everyone had to wear the same uniform, and I had these braces and worse these really geeky glasses, and, well… I started wearing contacts last year, and I cut my hair and got my braces off. And then a few months ago, I got laser eye surgery. I still have my old glasses…" She reached into her pocket and pulled them out, causing Alli to laugh again. She'd forgotten what it really felt like to laugh.

"Really? You used to wear _those_?"

"You know, I think I'm going back to my old look," Clare teased, slipping the glasses on.

"No way!" Alli snatched them away from her, and Clare laughed and tugged back on them as Alli jokingly fought to steal them away.

Suddenly, the glasses shot out of their hands, landing on the road beside them. There was an audible _crunch _as the car's tire ran over them.

Taking a good look at the _car_, Alli realized that it was a hearse. Not _a _hearse, actually; _the _hearse. Eli Goldsworthy's hearse.

Eli stepped out of the hearse, picked up the shattered, twisted glasses, and offered them to Clare.

"I think they're dead."

_Well, no shit, _Alli thought, but Clare blushed and stared at Eli like he was some kind of Greek god or something.

Alli didn't know very much about Eli, other than the fact that he wore black and had a bad reputation. He was kind of hot, she thought, but he really wasn't her type. Though, obviously, he was _Clare's _type.

She sighed as her friend stuttered over her reply and Dr. Doom commented that she had pretty eyes. Her foot tapped impatiently against the sidewalk until the hearse drove away, and then she turned to Clare and remarked, "Well, I've seen _that _look before."

Clare's cheeks were still a bright red, and she avoided Alli's eyes as she mumbled, "I don't know what you're talking about."

But she was smiling as the two girls walked away.

000

**A/N: I'm not exactly proud of this chapter. It's kind of a filler, actually, but there will be drama in the next two or three chapters!**

**I originally wasn't going to continue this story, but I already have the next two chapters written, and a lot of people added this story to favorites or story alerts, so I figured, what the hell. But seriously, guys, it only takes three seconds to review.**

**The story will get better, I promise. Again, this is just a filler. I'm setting things up for later events!**

**REVIEW. Don't make me beg.**

**I do not own Degrassi or any songs that I use in this story.**


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